When Life Gives You Lemons...... You Are Basically INDOMITABLE

Since I'm your typical nerd, I was looking up articles online when I came across one that mentioned the health benefits of lemons. With all these crazy diseases going around, I thought it'd be a good thing to consider. We all could afford to help out the ole immune system, eh? To start things off I'm going to remind you why it is you want to protect said immune system. There are plenty of gross diseases out there.... AIDS, mumps, chickenpox, mononucleosis (people just can't control their hormones and still makeout away when they are of ill health. Fools, I say!), Herpes (FUN FACT: You can get it playing beer pong. Yikes!), and now the infamous SWINE FLU. Now that you're motivated to get healthy, I'll give you one tip to make it happen: when life gives you lemons-- MAKE, DRINK, & IF POSSIBLE SHOWER YOURSELF IN LEMONADE. You will not regret it. In general, "[The lemon] is a sour, warm, promoter of gastric fire, light, good for vision, pungent and astringent."..... so that might not be the most convincing aspect. In fact that makes lemons seem like they have downright nastay effects. Maybe the fact that it "checks the excessive flow of bile" or "dislodges phlegm" will help? Still not sold I'm guessing. This WILL convince you without making you want to upchuck. (Whoever wrote the article I read clearly was not as eloquent as me.) 

The following are what you get in return for eating the citrus wonder: 

1. It helps with rheumatism. (Big word for inflamed joints)
2. It can kick the bootimi (that's plural for bootimus) of MALARIA and TYPHOID bacteria. Wowza! That's shocking!
   
3. Vitamin C, baybaaay. We all need it. We alllll love it.
4. You can avoid the same drama experienced by Vasco De Gama. (He was that dude that was the 1st to sail around the Cape of Good Hope and whatnot....) His fellow sailor buds died of scurvy. That's rough... But guess what would've changed that. Yep. Lemony goodness.
5. If you're diabetic like my dog, it can help relieve thirst.
6. When you get too hot to handle (particularly feverish, that is) then it can palliate the fever (unless the only prescription for you is MORE COWBELL!... SNL reference that I could only hope you understand. I would give you the link, but all the videos for it have been deleted b/c of a stupid copyright on Youtube... I tried... I failed.... I apologize.)
7.  It can de-constipate you... yeah.
8. It has potassium, which is lovely for your heart. (It's the fruit that loves you back.)
9. It helps with high blood pressure.
10. If you want to climb Mt. Everest do it by all means... as long as those means include lemons. That guy Edmund Hillary said that he couldn't have breathed way up there without his little citrus friends that can help the respiratory system.
    
11. They're just plain tangy/delicious/juicy!
12. They're good for your vision. I wouldn't be too surprised if you could get X-Ray vision from these guys. They're that potent.

Well... That's about it. If you're feeling fruity you can read more about lemons here, but if not... just take my word for it.

My word: Lemons are divine. They don't grow on da vines though. I am officially exhausted and embarrassed because I made a terribly painful pun (I bet a lemon could fix that pain with ease though!), so this is a safe place to stop... before I cause further detriment to my self-esteem. 

Good night, world! I hope to see you disease-free and lemon-ified soon! 

Know Your Own Strength. Brush Like A Dentist.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses.

I've been learning lots of tough lessons lately. The greatest-- 

Don't push things. 

They might just push back.

I used to pride myself in the vast toughness I exhibit with every shot at the doc's office. I even joked that pain was actually pleasing... that shots had no effect on me. I was wrong-o.

Everyone knows about my really super fun concussion incident a couple of weeks ago. Lucky people know the cause, too, and are able to get a laugh out of it-- that one stupid shot that made me pass out and hit the floor. BAH! So, I'm weaker than I thought. A downright pansy! I feel like such a disgrace to every lover of pain in the world.

Another area of my life in which I overestimate my strength... SLEEP.

I always think, "I better stay up till 2 a.m. every night before tests, so I can be prepared. Coffee will be enough to get me through the day." This usually is on a Sunday night before a lovely Monday test, and the rest of the week I'm a comatose mess of a student because I do the same thing every other following week night. I push myself too hard, and it's stupid. But I do love me some A's, and I probably won't stop this frown-able behavior. Some people would choose x-ray vision or the ability to fly for a superpower. I would just choose not to require sleep.

But I don't want you thinking that you're a wimp like me. In fact, you might surprise yourself. You might be freakishly strong and tolerant of difficulties at times.

I don't want you thinking I'm a complete wimp either. I'm actually quite a brute as I discovered one fateful day while brushing my teeth. I thought I was brushing normally... little, light, and perfect circles to create cleanliness with my toothbrush. In actuality, I was such a mega-strong/powerful being that I actually snapped Poor Lil' Toothbrush O' Mine clean in HALF! So, I guess you don't want to make me angry? You won't like me when I'm angry? Really now. I thought I was just being jolly and cleaning my pearly whites. I might have even hummed a merry tune. The only tune I must've actually been creating was a tune of havoc and doom!

So take this as a precaution. Don't push yourself too hard, but also be aware when you're supposedly not pushing too hard [especially while brushing your teeth because enamel doesn't just grow on trees... it grows on teeth and can't be replaced that easily] because you might become destructive without realizing it.

Know your own strength....

Because not all of the problems we create for ourselves can be solved with Sensodyne®. 

Make Our Vernacular SPECTACULAR!

What horrible thing went awry to cause our destruction of the English language?  It is one of the most confusing and inconsistent tongues out there, if you ask me. Seriously, who made all the bozo decisions to create grammar rules when there is zero consistency? Now, I like structure. I like things that make sense. Our language no makea da sense. Every day I find more things to hate about the state of the English language as used in American colloquialism. As pointed out to me by my dear sister Brooke (a.k.a. Womanbeast... if you were wondering), words used for plurals suck. Think about it...... Why is it that:

Goose --> Geese

Moose ≠ Meese

Ox --> Oxen

Fox ≠ Foxen

Whyyyyy?!

Also, I hate the word "an." It used to be used before any word during the Middle Ages. You even said "an horse" back in the day. That sound is grating to me! It's poison of the hemlock variety to my ears. Even more toxic than music by Britney. It's okay with vowels in present times ("an orange")... even with silent h's that create vowel sounds ("an hour"). It still leaves me dissatisfied, though, because you technically have to use it to talk about "an unicorn." You know what? Every time we say "an"... an unicorn DIES! (Saying, "Sorry, little majestical creatures. It was only an accident," just won't cut it anymore-- no matter how sorry I actually was for killing at least 5 in this paragraph. I call for change!)

Our language is a travesty. An embarrassment! 

Not only that, but the lame "lang" (slang for "language") that remains in our daily use is wasting away day by day. Check this out... There are 171,476 words in the dictionary that we still use today. Okay, that might seem like a lot, but there are also 47,156 obsolete words.

What's more... The words we do use are abbrev. NOT acceptable, America!

Let's spice it up, people. We can fix this dying language that was once lustrous, luscious, and darn-near artful.

Bring back ye ol' magical jargon!

Shakespeare had it right. He realized that our language was lacking in flava. He invented 1500-1700 words, and we just let them DIE... just like them innocent unicorns. I have a lot of respect for that guy (so does LFO because they even went so far as to mention that "Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole buncha sonnets" in their hit "Summer Girls." Even they fail with word choice because they go by LFO instead of their true name Lyte Funky Ones.), but I have even more respect for Kate Kelley. She is pure genius and the next Shakespeare, e'rybody. (Sidenote: She said I could talk about her words, as proven by Kate Kelley herself when she quoth: "You can use my words...just cite me...I like credit. It does wonders for my ego." This is me ego-stroking Kate by citing her. I even use the © symbol later on!)

Kate is an example of my first solution for our gigundo problemo. 

1) Make up spectaculicious words (That's a word I just made up. Right now. On the spot.)

- Not only is it a "hoot," as Grandmama would say, but it's also a cheap shot at impressing people.

- Just remember: The bigger the better!

- A little trick I use: add "-icious" to the end of tons of words. It never goes wrong 89% of the time. 

- Feel free to borrow Kate Kelley words © such as: 

*verocious*-- basically like ferocious, but with a v.

*complaintative*-- a description of someone whilst they are complaining; there's no better way to describe them!

*conversate*-- it may be in an Anberlin song and actually real to dictionary.com, but we say she invented it. It's not in REAL dictionaries. 

The list goes on. I'm just giving a small sampling. My point is, you never know what could end up in the next version of the dictionary. How else could "bling-bling" have ended up in there? Keep up the work, Kate.

2) Hilarity is muy importante.

-Respond to every sentence that a friend says with, "That's What She Said" (even if she really didn't. Truthfulness is not what counts in  this case.)

-Don't be afraid to quote "Anchorman" on daily basis either.

3) Be a friend with the rhymes you lend. The "sound" itself oft is key to brightening our language. There are some verbal duds out there who spoil the fun for the rest of us studs, so if your pal says "Bird," reply with "Word!"... or any other word that rhymes. Very simple.

4) Who doesn't love vintage jeans or records? Nobody. Everybody loves them. Then, let's bring vintage & unused words back into style. If you need some help, here you go: Click Here! Really. Click. A-way! I guarantee your vocabulary will become brobdingnagian. Make yourself something more than coprolite. Who cares if your friends think you're being recondite. (See what I did just then? I combined rhyming with the use of two rockin' "vintage" words. WOOH!) I must applaud Jessica Hovis for taking the initiative for this area of language use. (Am I a name-dropper today or what?)

5) Don't worry about professionalism all the time. Slang can be grrreat as well. Just avoid trite sayings, such as "rad." Instead take to words like "splendiferous" or "snazzy".... maybe even "jazzy"... or any other word that ends in "-azzy" for that matter.

6) Pronunciation can do wonders as well. Take the word I just used, snazzy, and change it to "Snahaaah-zay."

The Beastie Boys were so grand at doing this. Keep in mind: "You gotta fight. For your right. To paaaaaaaartay"... with the English language!

7) Don't be hesitant to be bilingual at times. It can make you muy interesante to others. They will love the exotic charisma you bring to the table, and they WILL thank you for it. 

8) Puns aren't always lame when used responsibly.

9) All anybody admires is alliteration... as seen in the movie "V for Vendetta":

Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. 

Just do this for me. Please, or else I'll clapperclaw or defenestrate you. (Look it up.)

Real Self Defense: Ways Not To Get Your Butt Kicked

I've discovered that all the self-defense instructors out there know NOTHING!

They think they're so smart... but they're not. Exhibit A. Not only does this guy know nothing, but I'm pretty sure he also has a balloon stuck in his throat. How could this happen? Easy: He sucks at self-defense to such an extent that he was beaten by a balloon-animal-making clown! Very sad. Exhibit B (Picture above). Billy Blanks may seem edified in the art of Tae Bo. He might seem like a great kickboxer. Wrong! He's a novice.

You might be wondering why I'm being so judgmental. Well, I wonder how you aren't! Everyone who's anyone knows that the only true self-defense instructors are those that use it in daily life... I literally mean daily... and they do it to literally survive. Of course, I'm talking 'bout the animals. They know what they're doing. Before I move on I will assure you that this is neither a PETA ad nor psycho babble. Well, actually I am a psycho who tends to babble, so I guess I just refuted that last claim. Anyway...I'm just going to discuss why los animales are bad to the bone, too hot to handle, and too cold to shovel.

#8 on my list is the sea cucumber. These guys can literally change their physical state and become liquid! Siiiiick. And by "siiiiick" I mean "awesome" and not "gross."

#7 The Tasmanian Devil. They don't really even need their razor-sharp fangs or bad attitude to scare off predators. They are THE predator. They are the smelliest animals on Earth, and that's how they are assured privacy. If I had known about this before, I would have simply stopped showering in hopes of avoiding some nagging from parents. Unfortunately, I'm fond of hygiene, so their tactics aren't exactly right for me.

#6  Possums play dead! Believe it or not, that thing is very much alive. How bombdiggity is that? Quite. Quite bomdiggity.

#5 Potato Beetles cover themselves in their own poop. This never personally worked for me, but feel free to try it if you're an adventurer, or if none of these other tips work for ya.

#4 Hagfish release an ooze under water that encompasses their prey and suffocates it. Gosh golly jed batman, that's crazy! Forget about firearms and bow-staffs! Excrete GOO!

#3 The Hairy Frog can break its own legs and turn them into flesh-tearing, death-delivering claws of horror! They're even nicknamed "Horror" Frogs, and I can see why.

#2 The Bombardier Beetle (How they can be even bombardier than the Bombard Beetle beats me!) They literally breathe fire from their butts! Actually it's a toxic fluid... but it's from their bootimus. Insane In The Membrane? Almost. Insane Use Of Butt Rain? Yes. (Cuz that's what it is).

#1 The Malaysian Ant. These guys literally implode! I mean, how ruh-haaad-ical would it be to spontaneously combust?! No one could withstand you unless they were equipped with an asbestos suit.... and who has an asbestos suit lying around his/her house (Besides me since I collect them along with straightjackets and machetes galore... Kidding.)? Obviously, exploding would kill you, but then again-- it would also kill all your non-asbestos-suit-wearing-enemies! WOOOOAH! Plus, they shoot poison. I know little kids want to be lions or ponies or firemen when they grow up, but I'm going to be a Malaysian Ant fo' sho.

Care to learn more about the true self-defense instructors of the world?

Click Here!

Danger Lurks Everywhere!: A Tribute To The Clumsy

Yesterday I got my fourth concussion. Now you're probably thinking, "Wow... She must mud wrestle with bears or ride bucking broncos while being greased in oil frequently to be concussed so often." Noooo... I'm just a stupid klutz. I trip over: my shoe laces, pieces of paper, nothingness, etc. I get mysterious bruises, unintentionally stab myself with dull objects (for ex. bread sticks), pass out all too often, and eat the floor with my head/face... a lot. Just so you know, floors don't taste so great, and they're home to bacteria because people walk on them... with SHOES! SHOES that have been covered in the germs of public bathrooms, dog poo, and  cooties in general! At least I know pencils aren't "lethal" anymore cuz they're made of graphite now instead of lead (doesn't change the fact that they're sharp and could very well end up in my heart and/or jugular in one of my clumsier moments).

The injury that takes the cake definitely occurred on March 3, 2009 (in a doctor's office). To you that may sound convenient, ironic......or just downright HILARIOUS, but to me it sounds like a normal day in the life of Rachel, failure, and embarrassment... with a hint of amnesia.

I was getting shots with the doc, a pretty normal thing, as I wish to be immune to many things (meningitis, awkwardness, people that spit waterfalls whilst speaking, hiccups, clowns, and dolls). I do pretty well with shots, so it was weird that I began blacking out. I tried to shift my body so I wouldn't fall off the patient table. Instead, I plunged forward, causing my head to receive the brunt of my fall. Now the second part is just what I heard from my two witnesses (who tragically didn't have the catlike reflexes required to save me). I have no recollection of this, being that I was ummm... UNCONSCIOUS! I believed them when I felt the baseball-sized lump on my head and the delish pain that accompanied it. I woke up not knowing where I was, what day it was, or... anything else. It. was. awesome. (No... It wasn't.)

That's basically my life as a clutz thus far. Many more injuries to come, I assure you.

Here's the diagnosis, kiddies: Mid-level serious concussion, amnesia, & hurt ego. RIGHT ON!

Oh, and if you're bored, here's a fun game you can play, but it will only work for a few more days (I hope!). It's called "RACHEL HAS A SHORT TERM MEMORY AND JUST MIGHT BELIEVE ANYTHING YOU TELL HER." Have fun!

 That is all. Stay in school. Avoid pointy objects. Go to the doctor's office... if you DARE!

I Know The Meaning Of Life! (Thanks Ask.com!)

People look for meaning in a lot of things: the Bible, trusted friends, counselors, philosophies of ancients like Plato, etc. But why stop there? Why not look for meaning in one of the most powerful entities known to mankind-- THE INTERNET! It's so obvious! The answers to all our questions are right at our disposal, and that's just what we're doing... disposing. It's quite sad really. All you have to do is go onto Ask.com and ask, "What is the meaning of life?"

It will answer (quite climactically, I might add) with:

"The meaning of life is a philosophical question concerning the purpose and significance of human existence."

Crap... Well that just sucks.

But I was not giving up! I knew the answer was out there. I just knew it. Next I just decided to go to TheMeaningOfLife.com... Let me just tell you right now, I was über excited when the website started loading. I was thinking, "Eureka! By George, I think I've got it!" along with some other 'profound discovery sayings' of the like when on the screen appeared an ad with a link to a website... selling LIFE the boardgame. I was just about over the disappointment, but being an optimist made me keep a'searchin' through the interweb for the answer to the question we are all (ironically enough) dying to know. 

You see, they have these pretty rad little ask and answer things online where you can view questions people ask a lot and the answers that people give. I looked at the highest ranked answers of course-- I go for quality, guys-- because they're the most trustworthy. I mean who knows? Some of the deepest minds of the world could be collaborating online to find these answers. And there they were. My excitement was seething within... 

Until I read them:

"Your main purpose is to survive by any means and to reproduce."

Umm... Ew. Okay, so that wasn't Einstein's response. Pretty bleak, too. But wait, there were more!

"We are here to have lots and lots of fun, sex, good food and take care of each other!"

Still twisted, but at least this person's friendly and concerned for others.

...And then it came, a beacon of hope upon my darkened horizon, a bastion of comfort encompassing my seemingly unbearable angst & despondency:

"42. It's categorically inverted by the integers of the divine fraction, thus making it a necessary key to the sub-complex division of life's true cause. This was proved by philosopher Charles Leland in the 19th Century."

Well, now it all just makes sense! My faith in humanity is so vast right now. I think I can sleep at night now.... Thanks, The Internet, and goodnight! 

You Know You're An Addict When...

So, ever since I can remember I have been a coffee lover. Over the years my passion for the deliciously satisfying beverage has grown an obscene amount. Being exposed to some of the strongest versions of coffee early on has matured my taste quite significantly. I prefer darker roasts, and I can drink my coffee hardcore, meaning without cream and sugar. I hope one day to be a connoisseur of sorts. I've always liked to drink it for pleasure...

But what happens when it becomes more than a disposable pleasure that you have every now and then? What happens when you become... ADDICTED? dun dun dun. Up until recently I thought my so-called interest in coffee was entirely innocent. Before, I knew it was a guilty pleasure and that I should probably cut back on my daily Cup'oJoe intake. Now I realize that I'm completely hooked. So hooked that I must have "the goods" every day. My eyes are opened to the caffeine-filled, crazed monster I've become-- just a'guzzling coffee like it's water (unfortunately, though it's made of water, it doesn't count as such. poo on that!). 

Caribou Coffee has only made this serious issue worse. The scrumptious flavor, perfect viscosity, potent energy-boost, and sheer joy found within every cup just cannot be turned away, avoided, or refused! Deliciousness up the wazoo, I say! Apparently, if deliciousness has reached the level of "wazoo," it's just about maxed-out in its awesomeness potential. 

Anyway, it only makes sense that I've begun making a Caribouan purchase anywhere between 1 and 4 times a week. I knew I had issues when I learned the name of the coffee guy (Sidenote: It's Ben) and virtually every item on the menu. I can easily give recommendations because I've sampled various beverages. 

It's not just me that knows about the coffee place and its contents, but the people who work there also recognize me when I come in. I see the glimpse of joy twinkle in their eyes when they see me come in. It's as if they are saying to me, "Ah, yes. Our favorite customer who single-handedly keeps us in business and oft will leave us a tip in the mug that says 'Thanks A Latte." Until last week I thought that that was the only thing they thought when they spotted me, but apparently I have a USUAL now. Yep. A usual. I've never had one before, and I've gotta say, it's quite fabuloso. No need to waste your time saying lengthy names of coffee drinks when your mouth is already so dry due to a lack of liquid sustenance. Just walk in, watch them immediately made your drink-of-TACIT-choice, pay the cashier, and waltz on out of there. The convenience is grand- truly 'tis so. 

At the same time, I realize the fact of the matter is that I'm spending away my life savings on the most delicious and least harmful legal drug (I've seen on several news reports that it can prevent Alzheimer's... here's hoping!). I'm a junkie. I'm ashamed. I've admitted my issues. I'm NOT seeking help though. Until I'm broke, have yellow teeth, and am short (oops. too late) I will not give it up. I can whenever I want for the record (basically every addicts claim, but I'm being serious). But yeah. Come with me to Caribou sometime. It will be a euphoric "trip" if you will. Get it... cuz I said coffee was a drug? Mmmmwow. Okay, so this is the part where I get embarrassed and stop typing. ¡El fin!