Well, well, well. After all these years of being told that I shouldn't drink coffee, I find PROOF that it is actually *improving* my health. In yo face, Society! According to Dr. Tomas DePaulis, PhD (I know what you're thinking...PhD....Phalse Doctorate? Nope. He's the real deal.), my favorite java-licious giver of jitters "is far more healthful than it is harmful." Now fancy that! Oh, and please just take a moment to appreciate the fact that he does research in Vanderbilt University's Institute for Coffee Studies... Those EXIST? Hoo-hah! I know my dream job now. That is so much more appealing than that job as a Giver of Free Samples At The Local Grocery Store I had lined up! Anyway, back to the grandest news ever. A Cup O' Joe (or as I like to say, a Cup O' Joy) can actually help prevent Diabetes. That's a pretty sweet deal in itself, but it also lowers the risk you have of developing colon cancer. If your booty's happy, all of you is happy ©. (That's not actually copyrighted, but it should be.) Coffee can get rid of your headaches, help you breathe more easily, prevent cavities, and keep gallstones far from you. Man. It's Wonder Drug! I think I'm even going to buy a cape for my coffee mug. Oh, and lest you forget, it gives you lots of energy. I recommend you drink a latte of it, but not in excess. As Barry White says, "Too much of anything ain't good for you, baby." I hope I've converted you to a coffee-drinker, so that you can share in my excitement that I no longer must attend C.A. meetings.
Now for a less legal and definitely less-lovable drug. MARIJUANA. Yeah, yeah. I know. I have not partaken in illegal drug use, and we all know this (especially after I was randomly drug-tested at school... The results were negative even though I had been on an all poppy seed diet the entire 2 previous weeks leading up to it. Odd.) You might be asking yourself, "Self (or Frederick. It's all a matter of taste really.), why would she talk about an *illegal* drug? Is she advocating them? What does she even know about them since she's never tried anything BB ("bad butt" for those of you readers who are still unfamiliar with my jargon)?" Well, tell Frederick to shut up because he doesn't know what he's talking about (and go see a shrink because you probably shouldn't be talking to yourself or have pet names for the voices in your head). Pot sales are growing in states like California and Colorado where it is very often used in a medical form. There are seriously locations where they offer about 16 varieties of it. It's like Baskin Robins, minus the dairy, 15 other flavors, and legality! In L.A. alone there are 800 shops where you can get weed. At some of these locations you may find a lovely sitting area, a front desk with pots o' pot on display, and some coffee/tea that you can add "cannabis-infused honey tincture" to and get "more than just a caffeine buzz." You might even find cannabis-infused candy! Darn you, Mary J! You're stealing Coffee's thunder! But wait... That candy and honey in excess could lead to Diabetes... Diabetes that could have been prevented by none other than COFFEE. Coffee that is way healthier than marijuana and actually legal. Coffee that does not leave you with a weaker immune system. Nay! On the contrary! It *helps* your health and doesn't just numb pain along with some brain cells.
The moral of this story: SFOIJIOWEJGOAJSGLKJAW! or MUGS, NOT DRUGS! (depending on the translation).
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