Sadly, it takes quite a lot to wipe out an entire species. I am not a hunter, and I lack the ability to cause floods, so I feel like I'll be stuck with squirrelies for a while. Dang it. AND there are more than 365 varieties of squirrels. They are as inescapable as oxygen, but not nearly as pleasant (Just look at the actual photo). Here's why:
1) Because their stupid little eyes are high up and on the side of their heads, they are quite literally always watching. They are the ultimate peeping Toms, and what's worse-- unlike Tom, you can barely even see them when they hide in the trees outside your window!
2) Squirrels eat animal carcasses when nuts, berries, and Keebler cookies aren't readily available in the trees. I suspect foul play with the elves. Poor elves. So jolly... So DEAD!
3) Their teeth are meant for destruction and creating turmoil. They bite people, first of all, but they also bite power cables (most likely due to their small brain-size; see #4), which causes serious power outages. Oh, and just to top things off... the teeth never stop growing due to the "constant wear" on them from being cannibalistic vandals and whatnot. Vereh scareh.
4) They stupid! Their brains are the size of a walnut. (See #7) They think that by running back and forth across a street in zig-zag patterns they'll confuse/scare the car away. HA! "This is obliviously the squirrels biggest, and often last mistake."
5) Squirrels are wimps. Male squirrels groom themselves for TWICE the amount of time that the females do. Get some pedicures while you're at it, you pansies!
6) They're drunks! (And where was Squirrelly Jr. when that happened? Think of the CHILDREN, man! Think of the children!)
7) Or are they...? You might not think they're out to get us, but oh! Are they ever! I mean, have you SEEN that commercial? It consisted of an actual event that occurred "surprisingly" (*I'm* not surprised.) during the filming of a documentary called "Squirrels Suck. Alvin's Cooler."
8) They invade our homes! You've seen National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, I presume? Yeah. True story. Happened to a friend of mine once. And for a good month there were squirrels living in my attic, having shindigs every night, and making tons of noise. Was I even invited to the party in MY house? NO! That brings me to #9...
9) Squirrels are PURE EVIL! and just plain moochers/jerks.
For example: WATCH MEH!
Lastly I would like to give you a few simple reminders.
Remember: You can't feed them after midnight especially. They smell fear... and acorns in your pants. Don't run from them or even challenge them to a staring contest. It only provokes them. And the squirrel always wins. Just give them nuts and back away slowly. Try not to fear them now... Just try!
For more information go to http://www.squirrels.org/facts.html
No comments:
Post a Comment