Totally Nuts! When Squirrels Go Bad... & Cause Nightmares (Part 1 of 2)

I am not one for normalcy. My day-to-day life is weird enough being that I'm... special. Yes. That's what I'll call it. My dreams are no different. Let me share one dream in particular that really left an impression on me and that definitely takes the cake for "weirdest dream ever" (and doesn't share any with me, the person whose psyche invented it... RUDE!).

It started out like any normal Rachel dream. I was fighting off an alien invasion. Fortunately, I'm always prepared (Boy Scout style) with a laser gun (not Boy Scout style... I think.) in my dreams, so the war didn't take forever. I was just disappointed the little squid people with brain-filled helmets had to interrupt the homecoming festivities. After my championing of the evil space men, I accompanied my friend Kathryn to her house for a little celebration of the demise of ET's cousins. As always, she offered me some acorns. SUCH a delish treat, but unfortunately my consumption of them is limited to my dreams being that acorns are in fact poisonous. Being the clumsy person I am (the only realistic aspect of this dream), I accidentally drop an acorn down my shirt. No big deal, right? WRONG. The acorn becomes multiple acorns, which proceed to shimmy their way into the back of my jeans as I try to dance them out of my shirt. Quite the little problem. I run to Kathryn's back yard to take off my pants and avoid being seen by anyone "lookin' like a fool with [my] pants on the ground." (I'm modest in real life, too, Hakuna Matata... It means 'no worries.') While doing this I spot two squirrels. At first I think nothing. Actually I did think, "Hey squirrels," but what I meant was that I thought nothing significant of the situation... until... I realized. I had acorns... in... my... PANTS. This could only mean one thing (no, I do not watch that show. It was the first thing that came up when I typed in "squirrel" on YouTube, and I was pleased because it was oddly fitting). The little monsters immediately caught trace of the scent and proceeded to stalk me, bellowing loudly, snarling, and gnashing their fangs. I immediately threw the nuts at them and ran for it whilst screaming like a girl (Okay, one more realistic part of the dream... I am a girl. And squirrels do like nuts.) I was very relieved... and very curious as to whether or not somebody had slipped something into my water bottle before I fell asleep... when I awoke the next morning and discovered that my pants were still on, free of acorns and free of squirrels.

This still was a rude awakening (pun-intended). I decided to search for reasons for this dream, and it didn't take me long. I quickly recalled the time a squirrel followed me to my front door at home. It began in a tree at the end of the driveway. Every time I continued walking away it would growl and make this weird chirping sound. I would turn around, and it would nonchalantly look side to side and freeze. The process continued until I got to the path to the front door, at which point I ran inside to escape the monster.

Yes, this is a long introduction, but I had to help you fully understand my hatred for squirrels. The real reason I'm writing this is to convince you that squirrels are nothing but evil conveniently wrapped in fur and sometimes rabies. Now, go on to Part Dos to learn why my dreams are not nearly as irrational as previously believed.

9 Reasons Why I Wish Squirrels Were Extinct (Part 2 of 2)

Sadly, it takes quite a lot to wipe out an entire species. I am not a hunter, and I lack the ability to cause floods, so I feel like I'll be stuck with squirrelies for a while. Dang it. AND there are more than 365 varieties of squirrels. They are as inescapable as oxygen, but not nearly as pleasant (Just look at the actual photo). Here's why:

1) Because their stupid little eyes are high up and on the side of their heads, they are quite literally always watching. They are the ultimate peeping Toms, and what's worse-- unlike Tom, you can barely even see them when they hide in the trees outside your window!

2) Squirrels eat animal carcasses when nuts, berries, and Keebler cookies aren't readily available in the trees. I suspect foul play with the elves. Poor elves. So jolly... So DEAD!

3) Their teeth are meant for destruction and creating turmoil. They bite people, first of all, but they also bite power cables (most likely due to their small brain-size; see #4), which causes serious power outages. Oh, and just to top things off... the teeth never stop growing due to the "constant wear" on them from being cannibalistic vandals and whatnot. Vereh scareh.

4) They stupid! Their brains are the size of a walnut. (See #7) They think that by running back and forth across a street in zig-zag patterns they'll confuse/scare the car away. HA! "This is obliviously the squirrels biggest, and often last mistake."

5) Squirrels are wimps. Male squirrels groom themselves for TWICE the amount of time that the females do. Get some pedicures while you're at it, you pansies!

6) They're drunks! (And where was Squirrelly Jr. when that happened? Think of the CHILDREN, man! Think of the children!)

7) Or are they...? You might not think they're out to get us, but oh! Are they ever! I mean, have you SEEN that commercial? It consisted of an actual event that occurred "surprisingly" (*I'm* not surprised.) during the filming of a documentary called "Squirrels Suck. Alvin's Cooler."

8) They invade our homes! You've seen National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, I presume? Yeah. True story. Happened to a friend of mine once. And for a good month there were squirrels living in my attic, having shindigs every night, and making tons of noise. Was I even invited to the party in MY house? NO! That brings me to #9...

9) Squirrels are PURE EVIL! and just plain moochers/jerks.

For example: WATCH MEH!

Lastly I would like to give you a few simple reminders.

Remember: You can't feed them after midnight especially. They smell fear... and acorns in your pants. Don't run from them or even challenge them to a staring contest. It only provokes them. And the squirrel always wins. Just give them nuts and back away slowly. Try not to fear them now... Just try!

For more information go to http://www.squirrels.org/facts.html