Know Your Own Strength. Brush Like A Dentist.

We all have our strengths and weaknesses.

I've been learning lots of tough lessons lately. The greatest-- 

Don't push things. 

They might just push back.

I used to pride myself in the vast toughness I exhibit with every shot at the doc's office. I even joked that pain was actually pleasing... that shots had no effect on me. I was wrong-o.

Everyone knows about my really super fun concussion incident a couple of weeks ago. Lucky people know the cause, too, and are able to get a laugh out of it-- that one stupid shot that made me pass out and hit the floor. BAH! So, I'm weaker than I thought. A downright pansy! I feel like such a disgrace to every lover of pain in the world.

Another area of my life in which I overestimate my strength... SLEEP.

I always think, "I better stay up till 2 a.m. every night before tests, so I can be prepared. Coffee will be enough to get me through the day." This usually is on a Sunday night before a lovely Monday test, and the rest of the week I'm a comatose mess of a student because I do the same thing every other following week night. I push myself too hard, and it's stupid. But I do love me some A's, and I probably won't stop this frown-able behavior. Some people would choose x-ray vision or the ability to fly for a superpower. I would just choose not to require sleep.

But I don't want you thinking that you're a wimp like me. In fact, you might surprise yourself. You might be freakishly strong and tolerant of difficulties at times.

I don't want you thinking I'm a complete wimp either. I'm actually quite a brute as I discovered one fateful day while brushing my teeth. I thought I was brushing normally... little, light, and perfect circles to create cleanliness with my toothbrush. In actuality, I was such a mega-strong/powerful being that I actually snapped Poor Lil' Toothbrush O' Mine clean in HALF! So, I guess you don't want to make me angry? You won't like me when I'm angry? Really now. I thought I was just being jolly and cleaning my pearly whites. I might have even hummed a merry tune. The only tune I must've actually been creating was a tune of havoc and doom!

So take this as a precaution. Don't push yourself too hard, but also be aware when you're supposedly not pushing too hard [especially while brushing your teeth because enamel doesn't just grow on trees... it grows on teeth and can't be replaced that easily] because you might become destructive without realizing it.

Know your own strength....

Because not all of the problems we create for ourselves can be solved with Sensodyne®. 

Make Our Vernacular SPECTACULAR!

What horrible thing went awry to cause our destruction of the English language?  It is one of the most confusing and inconsistent tongues out there, if you ask me. Seriously, who made all the bozo decisions to create grammar rules when there is zero consistency? Now, I like structure. I like things that make sense. Our language no makea da sense. Every day I find more things to hate about the state of the English language as used in American colloquialism. As pointed out to me by my dear sister Brooke (a.k.a. Womanbeast... if you were wondering), words used for plurals suck. Think about it...... Why is it that:

Goose --> Geese

Moose ≠ Meese

Ox --> Oxen

Fox ≠ Foxen

Whyyyyy?!

Also, I hate the word "an." It used to be used before any word during the Middle Ages. You even said "an horse" back in the day. That sound is grating to me! It's poison of the hemlock variety to my ears. Even more toxic than music by Britney. It's okay with vowels in present times ("an orange")... even with silent h's that create vowel sounds ("an hour"). It still leaves me dissatisfied, though, because you technically have to use it to talk about "an unicorn." You know what? Every time we say "an"... an unicorn DIES! (Saying, "Sorry, little majestical creatures. It was only an accident," just won't cut it anymore-- no matter how sorry I actually was for killing at least 5 in this paragraph. I call for change!)

Our language is a travesty. An embarrassment! 

Not only that, but the lame "lang" (slang for "language") that remains in our daily use is wasting away day by day. Check this out... There are 171,476 words in the dictionary that we still use today. Okay, that might seem like a lot, but there are also 47,156 obsolete words.

What's more... The words we do use are abbrev. NOT acceptable, America!

Let's spice it up, people. We can fix this dying language that was once lustrous, luscious, and darn-near artful.

Bring back ye ol' magical jargon!

Shakespeare had it right. He realized that our language was lacking in flava. He invented 1500-1700 words, and we just let them DIE... just like them innocent unicorns. I have a lot of respect for that guy (so does LFO because they even went so far as to mention that "Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole buncha sonnets" in their hit "Summer Girls." Even they fail with word choice because they go by LFO instead of their true name Lyte Funky Ones.), but I have even more respect for Kate Kelley. She is pure genius and the next Shakespeare, e'rybody. (Sidenote: She said I could talk about her words, as proven by Kate Kelley herself when she quoth: "You can use my words...just cite me...I like credit. It does wonders for my ego." This is me ego-stroking Kate by citing her. I even use the © symbol later on!)

Kate is an example of my first solution for our gigundo problemo. 

1) Make up spectaculicious words (That's a word I just made up. Right now. On the spot.)

- Not only is it a "hoot," as Grandmama would say, but it's also a cheap shot at impressing people.

- Just remember: The bigger the better!

- A little trick I use: add "-icious" to the end of tons of words. It never goes wrong 89% of the time. 

- Feel free to borrow Kate Kelley words © such as: 

*verocious*-- basically like ferocious, but with a v.

*complaintative*-- a description of someone whilst they are complaining; there's no better way to describe them!

*conversate*-- it may be in an Anberlin song and actually real to dictionary.com, but we say she invented it. It's not in REAL dictionaries. 

The list goes on. I'm just giving a small sampling. My point is, you never know what could end up in the next version of the dictionary. How else could "bling-bling" have ended up in there? Keep up the work, Kate.

2) Hilarity is muy importante.

-Respond to every sentence that a friend says with, "That's What She Said" (even if she really didn't. Truthfulness is not what counts in  this case.)

-Don't be afraid to quote "Anchorman" on daily basis either.

3) Be a friend with the rhymes you lend. The "sound" itself oft is key to brightening our language. There are some verbal duds out there who spoil the fun for the rest of us studs, so if your pal says "Bird," reply with "Word!"... or any other word that rhymes. Very simple.

4) Who doesn't love vintage jeans or records? Nobody. Everybody loves them. Then, let's bring vintage & unused words back into style. If you need some help, here you go: Click Here! Really. Click. A-way! I guarantee your vocabulary will become brobdingnagian. Make yourself something more than coprolite. Who cares if your friends think you're being recondite. (See what I did just then? I combined rhyming with the use of two rockin' "vintage" words. WOOH!) I must applaud Jessica Hovis for taking the initiative for this area of language use. (Am I a name-dropper today or what?)

5) Don't worry about professionalism all the time. Slang can be grrreat as well. Just avoid trite sayings, such as "rad." Instead take to words like "splendiferous" or "snazzy".... maybe even "jazzy"... or any other word that ends in "-azzy" for that matter.

6) Pronunciation can do wonders as well. Take the word I just used, snazzy, and change it to "Snahaaah-zay."

The Beastie Boys were so grand at doing this. Keep in mind: "You gotta fight. For your right. To paaaaaaaartay"... with the English language!

7) Don't be hesitant to be bilingual at times. It can make you muy interesante to others. They will love the exotic charisma you bring to the table, and they WILL thank you for it. 

8) Puns aren't always lame when used responsibly.

9) All anybody admires is alliteration... as seen in the movie "V for Vendetta":

Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. 

Just do this for me. Please, or else I'll clapperclaw or defenestrate you. (Look it up.)

Real Self Defense: Ways Not To Get Your Butt Kicked

I've discovered that all the self-defense instructors out there know NOTHING!

They think they're so smart... but they're not. Exhibit A. Not only does this guy know nothing, but I'm pretty sure he also has a balloon stuck in his throat. How could this happen? Easy: He sucks at self-defense to such an extent that he was beaten by a balloon-animal-making clown! Very sad. Exhibit B (Picture above). Billy Blanks may seem edified in the art of Tae Bo. He might seem like a great kickboxer. Wrong! He's a novice.

You might be wondering why I'm being so judgmental. Well, I wonder how you aren't! Everyone who's anyone knows that the only true self-defense instructors are those that use it in daily life... I literally mean daily... and they do it to literally survive. Of course, I'm talking 'bout the animals. They know what they're doing. Before I move on I will assure you that this is neither a PETA ad nor psycho babble. Well, actually I am a psycho who tends to babble, so I guess I just refuted that last claim. Anyway...I'm just going to discuss why los animales are bad to the bone, too hot to handle, and too cold to shovel.

#8 on my list is the sea cucumber. These guys can literally change their physical state and become liquid! Siiiiick. And by "siiiiick" I mean "awesome" and not "gross."

#7 The Tasmanian Devil. They don't really even need their razor-sharp fangs or bad attitude to scare off predators. They are THE predator. They are the smelliest animals on Earth, and that's how they are assured privacy. If I had known about this before, I would have simply stopped showering in hopes of avoiding some nagging from parents. Unfortunately, I'm fond of hygiene, so their tactics aren't exactly right for me.

#6  Possums play dead! Believe it or not, that thing is very much alive. How bombdiggity is that? Quite. Quite bomdiggity.

#5 Potato Beetles cover themselves in their own poop. This never personally worked for me, but feel free to try it if you're an adventurer, or if none of these other tips work for ya.

#4 Hagfish release an ooze under water that encompasses their prey and suffocates it. Gosh golly jed batman, that's crazy! Forget about firearms and bow-staffs! Excrete GOO!

#3 The Hairy Frog can break its own legs and turn them into flesh-tearing, death-delivering claws of horror! They're even nicknamed "Horror" Frogs, and I can see why.

#2 The Bombardier Beetle (How they can be even bombardier than the Bombard Beetle beats me!) They literally breathe fire from their butts! Actually it's a toxic fluid... but it's from their bootimus. Insane In The Membrane? Almost. Insane Use Of Butt Rain? Yes. (Cuz that's what it is).

#1 The Malaysian Ant. These guys literally implode! I mean, how ruh-haaad-ical would it be to spontaneously combust?! No one could withstand you unless they were equipped with an asbestos suit.... and who has an asbestos suit lying around his/her house (Besides me since I collect them along with straightjackets and machetes galore... Kidding.)? Obviously, exploding would kill you, but then again-- it would also kill all your non-asbestos-suit-wearing-enemies! WOOOOAH! Plus, they shoot poison. I know little kids want to be lions or ponies or firemen when they grow up, but I'm going to be a Malaysian Ant fo' sho.

Care to learn more about the true self-defense instructors of the world?

Click Here!

Danger Lurks Everywhere!: A Tribute To The Clumsy

Yesterday I got my fourth concussion. Now you're probably thinking, "Wow... She must mud wrestle with bears or ride bucking broncos while being greased in oil frequently to be concussed so often." Noooo... I'm just a stupid klutz. I trip over: my shoe laces, pieces of paper, nothingness, etc. I get mysterious bruises, unintentionally stab myself with dull objects (for ex. bread sticks), pass out all too often, and eat the floor with my head/face... a lot. Just so you know, floors don't taste so great, and they're home to bacteria because people walk on them... with SHOES! SHOES that have been covered in the germs of public bathrooms, dog poo, and  cooties in general! At least I know pencils aren't "lethal" anymore cuz they're made of graphite now instead of lead (doesn't change the fact that they're sharp and could very well end up in my heart and/or jugular in one of my clumsier moments).

The injury that takes the cake definitely occurred on March 3, 2009 (in a doctor's office). To you that may sound convenient, ironic......or just downright HILARIOUS, but to me it sounds like a normal day in the life of Rachel, failure, and embarrassment... with a hint of amnesia.

I was getting shots with the doc, a pretty normal thing, as I wish to be immune to many things (meningitis, awkwardness, people that spit waterfalls whilst speaking, hiccups, clowns, and dolls). I do pretty well with shots, so it was weird that I began blacking out. I tried to shift my body so I wouldn't fall off the patient table. Instead, I plunged forward, causing my head to receive the brunt of my fall. Now the second part is just what I heard from my two witnesses (who tragically didn't have the catlike reflexes required to save me). I have no recollection of this, being that I was ummm... UNCONSCIOUS! I believed them when I felt the baseball-sized lump on my head and the delish pain that accompanied it. I woke up not knowing where I was, what day it was, or... anything else. It. was. awesome. (No... It wasn't.)

That's basically my life as a clutz thus far. Many more injuries to come, I assure you.

Here's the diagnosis, kiddies: Mid-level serious concussion, amnesia, & hurt ego. RIGHT ON!

Oh, and if you're bored, here's a fun game you can play, but it will only work for a few more days (I hope!). It's called "RACHEL HAS A SHORT TERM MEMORY AND JUST MIGHT BELIEVE ANYTHING YOU TELL HER." Have fun!

 That is all. Stay in school. Avoid pointy objects. Go to the doctor's office... if you DARE!