What horrible thing went awry to cause our destruction of the English language? It is one of the most confusing and inconsistent tongues out there, if you ask me. Seriously, who made all the bozo decisions to create grammar rules when there is zero consistency? Now, I like structure. I like things that make sense. Our language no makea da sense. Every day I find more things to hate about the state of the English language as used in American colloquialism. As pointed out to me by my dear sister Brooke (a.k.a. Womanbeast... if you were wondering), words used for plurals suck. Think about it...... Why is it that:
Goose --> Geese
Moose ≠ Meese
Ox --> Oxen
Fox ≠ Foxen
Whyyyyy?!
Also, I hate the word "an." It used to be used before any word during the Middle Ages. You even said "an horse" back in the day. That sound is grating to me! It's poison of the hemlock variety to my ears. Even more toxic than music by Britney. It's okay with vowels in present times ("an orange")... even with silent h's that create vowel sounds ("an hour"). It still leaves me dissatisfied, though, because you technically have to use it to talk about "an unicorn." You know what? Every time we say "an"... an unicorn DIES! (Saying, "Sorry, little majestical creatures. It was only an accident," just won't cut it anymore-- no matter how sorry I actually was for killing at least 5 in this paragraph. I call for change!)
Our language is a travesty. An embarrassment!
Not only that, but the lame "lang" (slang for "language") that remains in our daily use is wasting away day by day. Check this out... There are 171,476 words in the dictionary that we still use today. Okay, that might seem like a lot, but there are also 47,156 obsolete words.
What's more... The words we do use are abbrev. NOT acceptable, America!
Let's spice it up, people. We can fix this dying language that was once lustrous, luscious, and darn-near artful.
Bring back ye ol' magical jargon!
Shakespeare had it right. He realized that our language was lacking in flava. He invented 1500-1700 words, and we just let them DIE... just like them innocent unicorns. I have a lot of respect for that guy (so does LFO because they even went so far as to mention that "Billy Shakespeare wrote a whole buncha sonnets" in their hit "Summer Girls." Even they fail with word choice because they go by LFO instead of their true name Lyte Funky Ones.), but I have even more respect for Kate Kelley. She is pure genius and the next Shakespeare, e'rybody. (Sidenote: She said I could talk about her words, as proven by Kate Kelley herself when she quoth: "You can use my words...just cite me...I like credit. It does wonders for my ego." This is me ego-stroking Kate by citing her. I even use the © symbol later on!)
Kate is an example of my first solution for our gigundo problemo.
1) Make up spectaculicious words (That's a word I just made up. Right now. On the spot.)
- Not only is it a "hoot," as Grandmama would say, but it's also a cheap shot at impressing people.
- Just remember: The bigger the better!
- A little trick I use: add "-icious" to the end of tons of words. It never goes wrong 89% of the time.
- Feel free to borrow Kate Kelley words © such as:
*verocious*-- basically like ferocious, but with a v.
*complaintative*-- a description of someone whilst they are complaining; there's no better way to describe them!
*conversate*-- it may be in an Anberlin song and actually real to dictionary.com, but we say she invented it. It's not in REAL dictionaries.
The list goes on. I'm just giving a small sampling. My point is, you never know what could end up in the next version of the dictionary. How else could "bling-bling" have ended up in there? Keep up the work, Kate.
2) Hilarity is muy importante.
-Respond to every sentence that a friend says with, "That's What She Said" (even if she really didn't. Truthfulness is not what counts in this case.)
-Don't be afraid to quote "Anchorman" on daily basis either.
3) Be a friend with the rhymes you lend. The "sound" itself oft is key to brightening our language. There are some verbal duds out there who spoil the fun for the rest of us studs, so if your pal says "Bird," reply with "Word!"... or any other word that rhymes. Very simple.
4) Who doesn't love vintage jeans or records? Nobody. Everybody loves them. Then, let's bring vintage & unused words back into style. If you need some help, here you go: Click Here! Really. Click. A-way! I guarantee your vocabulary will become brobdingnagian. Make yourself something more than coprolite. Who cares if your friends think you're being recondite. (See what I did just then? I combined rhyming with the use of two rockin' "vintage" words. WOOH!) I must applaud Jessica Hovis for taking the initiative for this area of language use. (Am I a name-dropper today or what?)
5) Don't worry about professionalism all the time. Slang can be grrreat as well. Just avoid trite sayings, such as "rad." Instead take to words like "splendiferous" or "snazzy".... maybe even "jazzy"... or any other word that ends in "-azzy" for that matter.
6) Pronunciation can do wonders as well. Take the word I just used, snazzy, and change it to "Snahaaah-zay."
The Beastie Boys were so grand at doing this. Keep in mind: "You gotta fight. For your right. To paaaaaaaartay"... with the English language!
7) Don't be hesitant to be bilingual at times. It can make you muy interesante to others. They will love the exotic charisma you bring to the table, and they WILL thank you for it.
8) Puns aren't always lame when used responsibly.
9) All anybody admires is alliteration... as seen in the movie "V for Vendetta":
Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a by-gone vexation, stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin van-guarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition.
Just do this for me. Please, or else I'll clapperclaw or defenestrate you. (Look it up.)
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