I've discovered that all the self-defense instructors out there know NOTHING!
They think they're so smart... but they're not. Exhibit A. Not only does this guy know nothing, but I'm pretty sure he also has a balloon stuck in his throat. How could this happen? Easy: He sucks at self-defense to such an extent that he was beaten by a balloon-animal-making clown! Very sad. Exhibit B (Picture above). Billy Blanks may seem edified in the art of Tae Bo. He might seem like a great kickboxer. Wrong! He's a novice.
You might be wondering why I'm being so judgmental. Well, I wonder how you aren't! Everyone who's anyone knows that the only true self-defense instructors are those that use it in daily life... I literally mean daily... and they do it to literally survive. Of course, I'm talking 'bout the animals. They know what they're doing. Before I move on I will assure you that this is neither a PETA ad nor psycho babble. Well, actually I am a psycho who tends to babble, so I guess I just refuted that last claim. Anyway...I'm just going to discuss why los animales are bad to the bone, too hot to handle, and too cold to shovel.
#8 on my list is the sea cucumber. These guys can literally change their physical state and become liquid! Siiiiick. And by "siiiiick" I mean "awesome" and not "gross."
#7 The Tasmanian Devil. They don't really even need their razor-sharp fangs or bad attitude to scare off predators. They are THE predator. They are the smelliest animals on Earth, and that's how they are assured privacy. If I had known about this before, I would have simply stopped showering in hopes of avoiding some nagging from parents. Unfortunately, I'm fond of hygiene, so their tactics aren't exactly right for me.
#6 Possums play dead! Believe it or not, that thing is very much alive. How bombdiggity is that? Quite. Quite bomdiggity.
#5 Potato Beetles cover themselves in their own poop. This never personally worked for me, but feel free to try it if you're an adventurer, or if none of these other tips work for ya.
#4 Hagfish release an ooze under water that encompasses their prey and suffocates it. Gosh golly jed batman, that's crazy! Forget about firearms and bow-staffs! Excrete GOO!
#3 The Hairy Frog can break its own legs and turn them into flesh-tearing, death-delivering claws of horror! They're even nicknamed "Horror" Frogs, and I can see why.
#2 The Bombardier Beetle (How they can be even bombardier than the Bombard Beetle beats me!) They literally breathe fire from their butts! Actually it's a toxic fluid... but it's from their bootimus. Insane In The Membrane? Almost. Insane Use Of Butt Rain? Yes. (Cuz that's what it is).
#1 The Malaysian Ant. These guys literally implode! I mean, how ruh-haaad-ical would it be to spontaneously combust?! No one could withstand you unless they were equipped with an asbestos suit.... and who has an asbestos suit lying around his/her house (Besides me since I collect them along with straightjackets and machetes galore... Kidding.)? Obviously, exploding would kill you, but then again-- it would also kill all your non-asbestos-suit-wearing-enemies! WOOOOAH! Plus, they shoot poison. I know little kids want to be lions or ponies or firemen when they grow up, but I'm going to be a Malaysian Ant fo' sho.
Care to learn more about the true self-defense instructors of the world?
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